This Gift
by HeidiBug731
Summary: Twelve years after Joel took Ellie from the Fireflies, he finally tells her the truth. Determined to set things right, Ellie makes preparations to complete the mission she and Joel had started. But as she says goodbye to the life she's lived for the past decade, she starts to wonder if she can really leave it behind.


Ellie needs something to break.

But every resource in this town is a precious commodity and not to be wasted. So she grabs a bow because arrows can't be wasted like bullets and heads to the shooting range. But the force of the arrows isn't the same as firing a gun. She needs the noise and the kick back. She needs to feel more punch, and the bow just isn't cutting it.

She finds a two-by-four laying around, waiting to be used in repairs. She carries it out into the empty range and up to the hay bale where she hits the bale over and over and over. She likes the weight of the board, the pull on her arms as she swings it. She likes the solidity of the bale, how each impact needs a strong force behind it. She attacks it again and again until her arms tire, and then she kicks it for good measure.

Eventually, the fight drains her. She drops the wooden plank and lets her knees buckle under her.

"Now, that hay bale never did anything to you."

Ellie looks up to see Tommy walking toward her.

"I'll-" She huffs, trying to catch her breath. "I'll clean this up."

There are pieces of hay everywhere, and the bale which was round before is a little lopsided now. But as Tommy walks over to examine it, he waves his hand and says, "Nah. No harm done."

Ellie sits back on her heels, rubbing her knees. She tries to think of what to say, of how to explain why she's out here.

Today, Joel finally told her the truth – that for the Fireflies to study why she couldn't become infected, they'd have to cut into her brain. The cost of a vaccine was Ellie's life, and Joel hadn't been willing to pay it. He didn't say as much but Ellie imagined he'd killed half the people or more at the facility to carry her out of there.

That was why Ellie had just taken out her anger on an innocent hay bale. But she couldn't tell Tommy that. How would he react if he knew the truth? Probably kill him before he had the chance to go naturally.

"So Joel told you the truth, did he?"

Ellie stands so fast her head swims. "You-you knew?" She puts out an arm to steady herself against the bale.

Tommy nods, not looking at her. "He told me the same story he told you at first, but I didn't believe him. Hell, I'd been a Firefly. I knew they weren't about to give up looking. So I got the truth out of him."

Ellie pushes herself from the hay. "Why didn't you make him take me back?" She punches Tommy on the arm. "Why didn't _you_ take me back?"

Tommy rubs his arm just below the shoulder where she punched him. "I had a mind to," he admits. "But then I saw what you'd become to him, and I..." He looks up at her. "I was there when Sarah died. I saw what it did to him, and the man it turned him into. Ellie," he takes a step toward her, but Ellie takes a step back. "He thinks of you like a daughter. To take you back to the Fireflies would be to take Sarah from him all over again, and I couldn't do that." He sighs. "I'm sorry, Ellie. I just couldn't."

Ellie clenches her teeth, struggling to hold in her anger. "It wasn't your choice to make."

He nods. "You're right, it wasn't. And it wasn't Joel's either. But we made it. And since today seems to be one for truthfulness... I don't think either of us regrets it."

"So that makes it all right?" asks Ellie, spreading her arms. "Just because you and Joel feel you made the right decision, that makes everything okay?"

"I didn't say-" Tommy starts.

"What about them?" Ellie shouts, pointing toward the nearest houses. "What about the rest of the world, huh? How would they feel if they knew the truth?"

"Ellie-" Tommy steps toward her, his arms outstretched, trying to placate her.

"No!" Ellie backs away. "I'm supposed to think everything's all hunky dory because we're a family now? Well, fuck you, Tommy. Fuck you and Joel both."

She turns and runs before he can say anything else.

* * *

Ellie kneels over her backpack in the supply room, checking and rechecking that she has everything she'll need. But even as she goes through her mental list of food, guns, ammo, first aid, and a comic book or two, she knows what awaits her outside town. And she knows it isn't possible to be prepared for it.

"So," says a dark haired woman sitting on one of the low-standing cabinets. "You're that eager to end your life?"

"Claire," Ellie says. "I have to finish this."

Claire crosses her arms. "Sure you do."

"Look," Ellie stands. "This isn't about me or us. This is about the world, about riding it of those things." This isn't easy for her, and she wishes Claire could understand that.

Claire stands from the cabinet. Ellie has always liked Claire's look. Her skin has a beautiful olive hue to it from her Cherokee heritage. Her wavy black hair is cut short at the shoulders and pulled back into a phony tail. Her eyes are a blue hue that sometimes looks green. Her lips are thin but fit perfectly in her oval shaped face. Normally, they are smiling, but right now they are pursed in irritation.

"And you think after giving them your brain," she says. "If the Fireflies even still exist – the infected will just drop dead? That the wold will instantly go back to the way it was? Ellie, the only thing that will change from a vaccine – if it could even be distributed – is we won't have to worry about being bitten. We'll still have to worry about being torn apart. We'll still have to fight them and the bandits. Back when this all first started, a vaccine would have been a miracle, but now... are you really willing to throw your life away for something that will make so little difference?"

Ellie stares at her, opened mouthed, rising to her feet. Normally, she admires Claire's intelligence, but today she wonders where it has gone. "You're just like Joel," she says, her voice a hiss. She shakes her head. "Am I the only one in this town who isn't so incredibly selfish?" She brushes past Claire, ignoring her shocked look.

Her words were harsh, and Ellie knows it. But she needs to end this conversation. She needs to leave. And saying tender goodbyes will not help her resolve. She needs to go now before she can talk herself out of it, and if angry words are the only thing that will help, she'll use them.

She swings her backpack over her shoulder and puts her hand against the door.

"You're just going to run out on your own? Without help from anyone?" Claire asks.

Ellie doesn't speak. She hasn't asked anyone to come with her. She knows she shouldn't do this on her own, but this is her quest. She's accepting of the risks. To ask anyone else to join her would mean risking a member of someone's family. She can't do that. It wouldn't be fair. She's already asking Claire to let her go. She can't do that to someone else.

She pushes against the door, but Claire's voice stops her once again.

"He's dying," she says. "Are you going to leave without saying goodbye? You're going to let him die believing you hate him?"

Ellie pauses, then pulls back from the door. Of course, Claire would say the one thing that could stop her from leaving. Without looking at her girlfriend, she drops her backpack at her feet.

* * *

Ellie takes her time walking back to the house where Joel lays. She's already been there once, and it wasn't pleasant. She isn't sure she wants to go back or even what she'll say. But Claire's right, she can't just leave Joel with the impression that she hates him. It isn't true. She's angry, but she doesn't hate him.

She thinks about when they first arrived here, how they were assigned a home and they lived together like father and daughter. For the first time, Ellie knew what it was like to have a family, to have friends, and to be a part of a community where everyone looked out for one another. Ellie had never truly felt like she belonged somewhere before.

One year, when the summer had been particularly hot, the older teens had all gone down to the hydro-plant and swam in the dam. It was the closest Ellie had ever known to a real swimming pool. It was in that dam where Joel taught her how to swim.

She'd never seen a movie before coming here - not a real one that wasn't pure military propaganda. She didn't know movies could be so enjoyable or entertaining. She and Claire had often debated which genre of film they liked best.

In the community gardens, they grew more fruits and vegetables than Ellie had ever seen. She hadn't realized foods tasted different when they were fresh and not canned. Sometimes, the lady in charge of the gardens still liked to sneak her extra strawberries.

She'd never seen makeup until one of the girls broke out the stash she'd been saving for her sixteenth birthday slumber party. Ellie had never been to a slumber party before either, and she was surprised when she came out of it with new friends.

It wasn't all peace and contentment. The town still had to deal with the occasional bandits and infected. But it was as much of a normal life as Ellie imagined anyone could have in this crazy world. Ellie had never known "normal" before. And it was nice to sometimes not have to worry about what lay outside the town's fence.

She had been blessed with a life most kids who had grown up in the infected world would never know. Whatever the ramifications of taking her from the Fireflies, Joel had given her something beautiful, and she couldn't help but feel grateful for it. If Joel hadn't rescued her...

Ellie kicks the ground in frustration. This is why she'd wanted to leave as soon as possible. She'd been dreading what would happen once the anger started to settle and she reflected on her life. It wasn't fair that she had the life she did. She shouldn't have been alive to live it. And now that she knows the truth, it's not fair she has to put it all behind her. If Joel had just left her with the Fireflies… Why? Why couldn't he have just left her?

Once, when she was sixteen, she overheard Tommy asking Joel about "making things official." Something about announcing in front of the whole town that he had adopted Ellie as his daughter. Ellie didn't know what to think of that or how she felt about it. But Joel waved Tommy off, saying Ellie would be eighteen soon and she was too independent to go for it.

Joel talked to Ellie about it later, and she agreed with his assessment. He'd let the subject drop and hadn't brought it up after that. She was relieved at first. But now, as Joel lay dying...

Everyone in town knows that she's "Joel's girl." And he and Ellie have long possessed an unspoken father-daughter relationship. She often thinks of Tommy as an uncle. They'd long ago become a family, regardless of anything official. Ellie had cherished that connection. But now… part of her wishes it hadn't been.

If Joel had left her to the Fireflies, she'd be dead. She wouldn't have this ache in her chest at the thought of Joel dying. She wouldn't have a girlfriend of three years to say goodbye to. She wouldn't have to convince Tommy to let her go without joining her. She wouldn't have this life she'd have to leave behind. Things would be easier.

What is she suppose to say to Joel when she walks in there? Just tell him everything's fine and forgiven? Like it doesn't matter he didn't surrender her to the Fireflies? Like his actions hadn't doomed the world and caused her more pain?

Ellie's lip trembles, and she pauses in her steps to compose herself. She's not fourteen anymore. She's not going to break down and cry like this is some situation she can't handle. She can face him. She can find something to say. And when she's done, she'll find the Fireflies and hand herself over to them like what should have happened years ago. And she'll do it with a brave face.

Yet as the house looms in front of her, a knot forms in her throat. And all she wants to do is run away.

* * *

"It shouldn't be long now," says Dr. Morrison tells Ellie at the door. "It's a Godsend he can't feel anything."

Ellie just nods, mostly ignoring the doctor's words, before going inside. In the bedroom, Tommy and Maria sit to left of Joel's bed. There's an empty chair to the right, and Ellie takes it as Joel holds out his hand to her. "Baby girl," he says.

Ellie takes his hand and averts her eyes from his face. It's hard seeing him like this. Years ago, when they'd been running from hunters and Joel had been impaled on an iron rod, Ellie had nursed him back to health. It seems strange that she saved him from dying then but there is nothing she can do for him now.

"I know you're angry with me," he tells her. "But I hope someday you'll be able to forgive me."

She looks up at him, wanting to tell him she forgives him now. She wants to give him some closure, even if she is still angry, but the words won't come.

He places his second hand over hers so it's clasped between both of his. "When we were with the Fireflies, and they were prepping you for the surgery," he says. "Marlene knew I had it in my mind to do something, and she said to me, 'Don't waste this gift.'" He pats her hand, and his next words shake with emotion. "But you were the gift, baby girl. You were the gift."

She adverts her gaze again, overwhelmed by the love she sees in the eyes of the man who has been so much like a father to her these past twelve years. Her eyes fill with moisture that she fights to keep from falling. She wants to hate him for what he's done, but she can't. She simply can't.

"Joel..." She's unsure of what to say but knows she has to say something. She lifts her head to look at him, but his body has gone limp against the pillows that were propping him up. "Joel?"

Tommy and Maria reach out to her, but she ignores them, climbing onto the bed. "Joel!" She seizes the front of his shirt, as though to shake him, but stops herself. She croaks out his name one last time before dropping her head and sobbing into his shoulder like she's fourteen again and her worse fear has come true.

* * *

Ellie searches for Claire. She's the only one who can console her at a time like this. She's surprised when she finds her in the supply room, packing a backpack.

"What are you doing?" Ellie asks. Her voice is hoarse after all the crying she's done.

"Packing," Claire tells her, not looking up. "Someone has to watch out for you."

Ellie is too stunned and overwhelmed from the past half hour to speak. Claire zips up her pack and then turns to look at her girlfriend. "Oh, Ellie!"

Claire runs up to her and embraces her in a fierce a hug. Ellie takes comfort in the tightness of it, like Claire's arms are helping to hold her together. "Ellie, I'm so sorry," she says.

Ellie thought she was in control, but she finds she isn't as the tears flow back up her throat and a sob escapes into Claire's shoulder.

"Ellie," says Claire holding her tighter.

She struggles to gain control of her emotions. A few more sobs escape, but she eventually pushes away from Claire. There will be more time to grieve for Joel later. Right now, they have to go.

"Grab your pack," Ellie says, turning away as she wipes her eyes.

"You'll let me go with you?"

Ellie gives her head a shake, trying to clear it. Claire and her family had fought through bandits and infected to get to Tommy's town. She has some idea of what's out there, but she hasn't seen what Ellie has. She doesn't want Claire to come, but Claire is right. She and Joel never would have made it without each other's help. She needs someone to watch her back. And Claire is as good a choice as any.

Ellie turns to Claire at last and gives a nod. Claire runs back to her pack and picks it up. Ellie realizes how hard this is going to be if – when – they find the Fireflies. Will Claire be able to give her up as Joel hadn't? She doubts Claire would be able to kill half the facility to save her, but would she try something stupid? She knows Claire deserves a better explanation as to why she's doing this.

"I should have died with Riley." Ellie tells her. "It was just some fluke of nature that I didn't. And then Tess died, and then Sam. And all I could think was that it should have been me."

"So, you have survivor's guilt," says Claire as though it's just some random fact.

Ellie chews her lip, trying to find the right words so Claire will understand. "If I could have given my life to save theirs, I would have done it."

"I get it." Claire tells her in the same matter-of-fact way, as though it's not important. She tightens the straps on her pack.

"You don't." Ellie tells her.

But Claire holds up a hand before Ellie can continue. "Let's just go."

Ellie nods. It's best to go now than to draw this out. She picks up her bag where she left it at the door.

* * *

Tommy gives them a horse – they refuse to take more than one. Tommy also offers to go with them, but Ellie declines. She can't risk him too.

They take the path from the town leading into the mountains. Ellie tries not to think of the hikes she and Joel used to take here. But when she attempts to block the memories, her mind instead goes to Claire's arms around her waist and the times the two of them spent in these woods.

When Claire first arrived at the town, Ellie had thought she was the most beautiful girl she had ever seen. The two of them danced around each other for six months before realizing they shared a mutual interest in on another. Ellie hadn't had such a good friend since Riley.

She closes her eyes against the memories – the day someone in town figured out how to make ice cream, and she and Claire had shared their first spoonful. When Ellie turned twenty five and Claire saved up enough sugar to make cake and icing. They nights they spent on the town fence and made a game out of who could name the most constellations.

Ellie had expected to spend more years with Claire – as many as the cruel world would give them. She hadn't expected she would be the one to force the end to come.

They reach the overhang that overlooks the town, and she thinks of Tommy who continued her horse lessons, who sneaked her a beer on her twenty-first birthday, who fathered her on days when Joel was on duty gathering supplies or taking out bandit camps.

As her thoughts return to Joel, she steers the horse away from the view of the town. They continue up the mountain until they hit the road where the car Joel stole from the Fireflies still sits. Ellie had forgotten it was here and the surprise of it hits her in the stomach and nearly knocks her from the saddle.

"Ellie?" asks Claire.

Before she knows what she's doing, Ellie steps down from the stirrups and runs to the vehicle where she grasps the door handle. The hinges are rusty, and the door won't give. She kicks the side of the car over and over again until the door handle comes off completely and she falls onto the dirt. Everything she and Joel went through together passes through her mind – running from infected, saving each other from bandits and cannibals, the way he carried her over waters she couldn't swim through.

She sobs into her hands. She'd once told Joel they had to go to the Fireflies, that everything they'd done couldn't be for nothing. But then Joel had taken her away from them and she'd had a family, a life, and she'd met someone she thought she could spend the rest of her years with – however long that might be. Joel had lied and lived and died to give her everything. Did that truly amount to nothing? Was his efforts worthless? Could she condemn them as such?

She feels Claire's hand as it falls gently on her shoulder. "Ellie," she soothes.

She shouldn't be alive, she knows she shouldn't. But she is. Does she have a right to keep on living when no one else she's lost was given the same opportunity?

Claire crouches behind her, her arms holding her close as Ellie cries. She reaches a hand up to brush a strand of red hair around Ellie's ear. "Is it wrong of me to want to keep you?" she asks, echoing Ellie's thoughts. "Was it wrong of Joel to?"

Ellie shakes her head against her hands. She doesn't know the answer to Claire's question or to the one inside of her. She's afraid to consider the possibility of staying - afraid that if she really contemplates it, she won't be able to leave... just like Joel wasn't able to give her up.

There has to be others out there. They can't be the only human settlement left. There has to be some military zones still active, even after all the abandoned ones she and Joel found.

She has to remind herself that twenty years after the initial outbreak had nearly destroyed the world. Tommy's town thrived because it was a community of people caring for one another. Military zones crumple over time – she'd seen it. Twelve additional years could have made a lot of damage. Maybe the possibility that there is no one left isn't so far fetched.

Is it wrong to wonder how much the world is worth nowadays? Or is she just being selfish, putting her own desires in front of everyone else's… like Joel had done?

She could stop crying if only she could stop thinking of Joel and how much he'd loved her... how much she'd loved him.

Claire never stops holding on to her, and at length Ellie composes herself and pulls away from Claire's grasp.

"Ready to go?" asks Claire.

Ellie nods, but she hasn't moved by the time Claire is back on the horse.

"What is it?" asks Claire.

Ellie looks at her and wonders how she got so lucky to find someone who's willing to go through this with her. She glances back at the car, and her thoughts return to Joel. How strange that he had ended up being the perfect one to protect her, even better than the Fireflies had wanted. And Tommy, who'd known full well what she was and hadn't sent her away when Joel had brought her back. He'd given her the chance to be a kid, to grow up, and to fall in love. How had she been so blessed? It wasn't fair that she had the life she did, yet it was hers.

Ellie turns back to Claire, shaking. Can she really do this? Can she hand herself over to the Fireflies and tell them Joel's efforts had been for nothing? That Tommy's leniency was misplaced and hadn't mattered? Can she look at the woman sitting on the horse in front of her and tell her she is going to have to forget about the years they'd spent together? Is all of it really for nothing like she had once been inclined to believe?

A single tear rolls down Ellie's cheek, and she's shaking so badly she has to hug her arms to herself for fear she'll fall apart. "A-ask me to … to stay," she says.

Claire cocks her head to one side. "What?"

Ellie takes a breath, trying to steady herself. She closes her eyes, trying to make peace with what she's doing. "Ask me to stay," she says again, opening her eyes. "You're the only one..." She can't finish the sentence.

Claire stares at her, then dismounts from the horse. She walks up to Ellie so they're standing close. "Stay," she says.

Ellie releases a breath, her limbs steadying. She looks into Claire's loving face and realizes no one will blame her wanting to stay behind. Tommy will welcome her back with open arms, and the rest of the town won't know any better. The only question is whether she'll be able to live with herself.

"Okay," she says, and she's surprised when she feels relief wash over her instead of guilt.

Claire steps toward her, tugging her backpack from her shoulders and letting it fall to the ground. Ellie pulls off Claire's, then slides an arm around her waist. Their lips meet halfway as they reach for each other. Standing in their embrace, kissing passionately, their preparations scattered and forgotten around their feet, Ellie can't help but think that Joel was right.

Her life is a gift that shouldn't be wasted.


End file.
